Thursday, July 10, 2008

My Precious

These babies are the reason I didn't just cash it all in last October. Of course, The Texans are part of the same reasoning, but we generally don't discuss their names or show their pictures. Bottom Line: I'm not done with these children yet, and I feared that giving up to the Heart Surgery would leave too many things undone. There must be a reason God brought me through it all. My doctors keep telling me I am a Miracle, and I don't quite "get it." Unless because I was found to have 5 serious blockages inside my heart, but never had a heart attack or a stroke or any other problem. I was having the Open Heart within a week of finding the blockages. I did use a lot of nitro during that week. For what it's worth, I took off most of that week from work.

At this time I am angry with both my school district and my surgeon for allowing me to go back to work aftr only 8 weeks, with no restrictions. I couldn't do it. I seriously did not have the energy or ability to manage five days of work every week. Someone should have been looking out for me. Someone was: my good friend, Dr Bob, the psychologist who shares my office at one of my schools. Bob told me repeatedly that I was doing too much too soon. Instead, I ended up taking the last month of school as medical leave in order to destress, and relieve my anxiety.

Teaching is NOT an easy profession. It is highly demanding. And I work in a school in which every parent thinks he/she owns the school and has the right to make outrageous demands at any time. I want to leave that building.

But, I digress by leaps and bounds. I began by saying those little cuties up there are the reason I did not give up and ask God to take me. I remember some moments of feeling deeply connected on a spiritual level to God/the Higher Power/the Universe. I firmly believed at that time that if I asked to die, I could have. But I thought of the grandchildren, and I couldn't do it.

My life is not what I hoped it would be. I thought my husband and I would joyfully watch our children grow and accomplish wonderful lives. I believed that until the day he said to me, "I can hardly wait for the kids to grow up and be gone so we can do what we want to do." If I remember correctly, he was the partner who threw out my birth control impulsively so we could have a baby. And suddenly he was telling me that he didn't want these children we had created. I have never been as lonely without that man as I was while I was married to him. I want to watch the children be silly and I want to share laughs with someone who loves them to distraction. I hope God has that someone in His plan for me.

My children and my grandchildren are the reason I live today, and they are the focus of nearly everything I do. I hope when you look at them, you can see what I see.

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