Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Taking Cre of Myself

I wonder why it is so difficult to take care of myself? I completely buy into the whole _ put your own oxygen mask first before the child next to you - but it seems so hard to put into practice. I am off work for the next month as I adjust to my new meds and my new diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I don't think I am crazy. What I notice, though, is that I will suddenly burst into tears and intense depression and feel so worthless...and useless. I can't imaine anyone wanting me back at work. I know I have not been giving my job all that it requires, and I feel badly about that. I also have tried to blame the system and the district and sometimes the people I work with, but that hasn't helped at all. I feel guilty to be home on medical leave. This isn't like a year ago when I was recovering from open heart surgery andphysically couldn't get through a day. I feel good, physically, and i am having a nice time being home. It makes retirement look all that much better. I'm done working, I think. I may be what the miliatary used to call a "ROAD" --Retired On Active Duty. Still collecting a paycheck, but mentally retired.

I am playing with the grands, and writing a book for the Texans, I am practicing Chinese calligraphy, I am writing and doing watercolor.

But I feel so darn much guilt! I hope this gets better in time. I hope I can come to accept this point in my life. I know I am no good to my school if I am bursting into tears or abject depression at the drop of a leaf.

I pray a lot. In fact, I am writing an article titled, "I am a United Methodist, So Why Am I Praying the Rosary?" The Rosary inspires me, and it helps me to feel a spiritual connectin to a power greater than myself. I think I will finish the article and see who I can submit it to.

I need to go shower now.....