Saturday, November 22, 2008

Coping Advice

A list helps me cope. I break the big project down into stages and put a timeframe on each stage. Same with either outlining (road mapping) a new manuscript or writing chapters. I learned that coping technique from my husband who is a builder. He sets deadlines on paper for himself and his subcontractors so everyone knows what's expected and when. He insists everyone stick to the schedule. He was the one who said, "How do you expect to get anywhere without a roadmap?" I then applied that philosophy to my writing, and I've stayed on track.

I'm confused. I don't know who Beth is, and I don't know how this post ended up on my blog. I didn't post it. I do make a lot of lists, but this post is not mine. Beth, whoever you are, how did you get into my blog?

Sunday, November 16, 2008

What to do?

I am on medical leave from work, and have been since early in October. I guess I had some kind of brekdown, and I ended up on the psych ward. People there were great. People listened and responded as if my ideas had merit. That is an honor I dont't get at work. One principal has been told (by HR most likely) that I don't want to return to work for her. My other choice is to take a .6 position, which will barely pay my house and car payments.

I'm considering an early retirement. I'd like to work again. I have a lot left to give. I am praying that God will show me the job that is right for me. Please join me. I do most heartily believe in a supremacy which can influence my life.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

Guilt, guilt, and more guillt

I wrote a blog a few days ago, in which I discussed what I thought my marriage meant to my husband, and how I understood our relationship. Today my daughter made a point of telling me "You really trashed dad." Well, my love, don't you think he trashed me pretty good when he threw me out and walked away? My heart will never recover from the betrayal and heartache of that moment. I have a right to be hurt and angry and a right to express it.

He got what he wanted. He wanted to NOT be with me. And that's what he got. Good for him.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Sarah Palin

I didnt think I would like her, until I watched Tina Fey "humanize" her by poking fun and teasing. Tina did a lot of good for me in terms of seeing Sarah as someone to take seriously. "Ir'a ovwe. Ir's over. It's over! Praise God in Heaven, this election is OVER!!!"

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

we made it through

and at times I wondered if we would. I got through about 50 telephone polls. I did not vote for incumbent Senator Mike Carrell. Too bad he did not see fit to answer my email. If that was petty of me, then that is my right as an American to not vote for someone for whatever reason. Besides I don't like his signs.

I threw away my vote. I did not feel "good" about either major party candidate, and I voted Libertarian. So there. At least I voted and I have the right to bitch my heart out re those who ar enow in power.

Here is something I found in an old book of Shakespeare's plays:
"Mt workj is something I do, not what I am. What I am is far greater than anything I can do.

As soon as I kow where I will be working when I go back Dec 1, I will have new business cards made, and I will include that phrase. It is a lovely sermon summed up in two sentences.

Lately I have been able to xstitch again. Still working on the second to last Christmas stocking, but eager to begin a sweet little teapot for a friend.

I attended a different church Sunday: The Episcopal church. It was great and I loved it. I felt I had "been to church" for the first time in many years. I think I will try it again next week.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Here we go again...

It has been 38 years since I was old enough to cast my first ballot. I hope in those years I have made wise choices.

This week I have been noticing: The more I hear about Dino Rossi blasting Christine Gregoire (our 2 gubernatorial candidates), the more Christine's name stays in my mind. Maybe he shouldn't be using her name so frequently in his negative campaign. To me, he uses her name so much, that is what I remember, not the trash he is talking about her. I am finding the same to be true about our presidential candidates. C'est l'vie say the old goes to show you never can tell. I'll run down to the Lake City Community Center tomorrow and cast my ballot, since I've lost my mail in ballot. I lose a LOT of things. This house is like a black hole. Somewhere in this house, are thousands of unmatched socks...every sock anyone has ever lost is here somewhere.

This house loses things that matter. Especially things that matter to me. I'm going to bed. Who realy cares?

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Someone Understands Me!!

`Deepak Chopra. I know you've heard of him. I heard of him yeas before I cared. I am currently reading Power, Freedom, and Grace.

As a member of the United Methodist Church, I have been encouraged to question authority (including the Bible, which some like to think of as the Ultimate Authority, only I don't), to question the Party Line, and to develop our own Theology.

Long ago I decided that God is the Universe. And that every particle that is in the Universe is part of God, including me and that tree in the front yard. This is exactly what I have read in the second chapter of Chopra's book

Meanwhile, God, or the part of God that I am (the tiniest particle) is letting me down. I felt so relieved when I made the decision to take a disability retirement, and Social Security agreed with me that I am disabled. Now I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know how to take care of myself orf keep my family happy. We're fine, as long as I am a source of income. Just as my husband wanted me to be for him so many years ago. I wouldn't play the game for him. I think I am not supposed to believe in this. I grew up in the sixties when women's roles were changing and women had a choice of having a career outside the home. I didn't want one. I wanted tobe a mom and a wife and be appreciated for that. Instead, I was constantly pressured to get a job and support my husband (in his words) "in the condition to which I want to become accustomed." What I heard was: I want more money and you can provide it. He spent my retirement on a fuciking boat which he had to sell in orde r to go to (his volunteer choice) Korea so he could "get me away from my family." BIG RED FLAGS: these are signals that a man is likely to be abusive. He does not allow his spouse to participate in family decision making, and he does his best to separate her from her support system. What a lug nut.When I can think about it unemotionally, i am grateful he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I thought marriage was a partnership not a maninchargeship.

Well, I'm not done crying for the day. This is a man who is so damnned honorable he wouldn't allow his daughter's boyfriend to wear a cap with a marijuana leaf on it, altho he smoked weed himself, with me. He got what he wanted. And he got married again as soon as he found someone willing to take him.

This honorable, righteous man stomped on his wedding vows and ground them into the dirt. What a guy.

Trusting others has always been a downfall for me. It doesn't pay off to trust anyone. People always come back and disappoint one.