Sunday, November 2, 2008

Someone Understands Me!!

`Deepak Chopra. I know you've heard of him. I heard of him yeas before I cared. I am currently reading Power, Freedom, and Grace.

As a member of the United Methodist Church, I have been encouraged to question authority (including the Bible, which some like to think of as the Ultimate Authority, only I don't), to question the Party Line, and to develop our own Theology.

Long ago I decided that God is the Universe. And that every particle that is in the Universe is part of God, including me and that tree in the front yard. This is exactly what I have read in the second chapter of Chopra's book

Meanwhile, God, or the part of God that I am (the tiniest particle) is letting me down. I felt so relieved when I made the decision to take a disability retirement, and Social Security agreed with me that I am disabled. Now I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't know how to take care of myself orf keep my family happy. We're fine, as long as I am a source of income. Just as my husband wanted me to be for him so many years ago. I wouldn't play the game for him. I think I am not supposed to believe in this. I grew up in the sixties when women's roles were changing and women had a choice of having a career outside the home. I didn't want one. I wanted tobe a mom and a wife and be appreciated for that. Instead, I was constantly pressured to get a job and support my husband (in his words) "in the condition to which I want to become accustomed." What I heard was: I want more money and you can provide it. He spent my retirement on a fuciking boat which he had to sell in orde r to go to (his volunteer choice) Korea so he could "get me away from my family." BIG RED FLAGS: these are signals that a man is likely to be abusive. He does not allow his spouse to participate in family decision making, and he does his best to separate her from her support system. What a lug nut.When I can think about it unemotionally, i am grateful he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. I thought marriage was a partnership not a maninchargeship.

Well, I'm not done crying for the day. This is a man who is so damnned honorable he wouldn't allow his daughter's boyfriend to wear a cap with a marijuana leaf on it, altho he smoked weed himself, with me. He got what he wanted. And he got married again as soon as he found someone willing to take him.

This honorable, righteous man stomped on his wedding vows and ground them into the dirt. What a guy.

Trusting others has always been a downfall for me. It doesn't pay off to trust anyone. People always come back and disappoint one.

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