Thursday, May 27, 2010

Two Little Pills

I resent being labeled bi-polar. I am angry with God for making me this way. Being bi-polar means I have had few happy days in my life. Contrary to popular opinion, some bi-polars have only one extreme mood: depression. Lately, I've been off two of my meds which are critical to treat this problem.

I take a boatload of pills daily, and when these two ran out, I just forgot to refill them, and didn't really notice that I was taking fewer pills. It took about two months before I crashed, and believe me, you would not want a crash like this. At first I found myself overeating; then the anger set in. I spent days crying and screaming. Screaming at my shoes for not feeling right on my feet, screaming at God for making me this way...and just screaming in general. I would get in the shower and cry and scream. The only possible end I could see to the misery was to get rid of me. I had enough pills in the house to do a pretty good job. Instead I emailed my psychiatric care provider, as soon as I realized I had been missing those meds. She called in refills immediately, and spent forty minutes with me today, to help me get back on track. One of my meds will take several weeks to get built up in my system again. She also started me on a third, which will have a more immediate effect - within about three days--so there is a light at the end of this tunnel. At last.

Maybe I can quit hating who I am now.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Facebook is Over

I just canceled my Facebook account. I enjoyed it for a while. I enjoyed the pictures my daughter posted, and I enjoyed keeping up with my son's life, but too many people use FB as a forum to publish any stupid-ass thing they wanted and I have been getting too pissed off to continue reading that s**t. The rest of the world will continue with their FB nonsense and will get stupider by the minute, but I will no longer be in the audience.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

The Ocean

My Family took me with them to the ocean yesterday. We rented a miniscule cabin (just enough room to turn around) and spent the night. Brett was a hero. He wrangled kids, luggage, a fire, food, and driving, and kept a great sense of humor through the whole trip. We left about noon yesterday, and were in our tiny overnight home by 4:00. The twins had a great time! They found a broom to fight over, and no, they couldn't take turns with it.

Cassie made me take my bi-pap so I wouldn't snore, and I couldn't figure out setting it up, so Brett took care of that for me. I vainly searched the car fifty or sixty times for the jacket I remembered carrying out of the house before we left (it was on the armchair when I got home today). Of course, Erica and Megan wanted to help yaya find her jacket, but they could only do that if they were standing directly in front of me. The wind off the ocean was frigid, and I spent several hours wrapped in a blanket. I think maybe I ought to invest in a sleeping bag, in case they ever take me along again. And maybe I will put a jacket in the car permanently, just for future reference.

Unbelievably, we stumbled upon a surfing convention! The surfers all seemed to be wearing wetsuits, which probably was really smart of them. We didn't hang around to watch anyone surf; our goal was an empty stretch of beach so Cassie could hunt for agates and the kids could run free. The twins ran about ten inches from the car, squatted and filled their buckets with sand. They were happy! Jack ran around with his dad, and managed to get a little wet from the waves. One of the girls fell into an incoming wave, and got stripped down to her skin next to the car while getting into dry clothes. Poor baby. In the relative smallness of the car, and also the cabin, the girls seemed to multiply until I was sure we had several dozen toddlers with us.

We stopped for a nice pancake breakfast at Denny's in Aberdeen, and got back in town around 1:00, I think. I'm worn out, and it feels good. It's the kind of tired one gets from having fun. I'll bet my bed feels extra good tonight!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Oprah Had an Epiphany

Oprah, probably the United States' most famous yo-yo dieter, has had an epiphany, and has declared that she "will never diet again." That is good news for me and, I'm guessing, thousands of other American women with negative body images. I have been thinking a lot recently about body image, and about where we learn the messages that we are not good enough as we are.

It is a lesson I am sure I learned at my mother's knee. With love in her heart, she put an eight year old child on a diet, and continually reinforced for that child that she was fat and didn't quite measure up. It was never enough to be smart or pretty or capable. As long as she remained overweight, she was not good enough.

I know my mother loved me. I know that now, at my age, being angry with her for my weight issues is inappropriate. I am old enough to make my own choices now, and have been for many years. I have no one else to blame but myself. I still console myself with food, and relieve boredom with food, and celebrate with food. Ironically, I find it simple not to smoke or drink, or do drugs -- other unhealthy practices.

I don't think I learned my negative body image from magazines or television or movies. I think I learned it from my mother and every doctor who ever told me (like I didn't know) I was overweight. Over the years of my life, plenty of people have kindly informed me that I am fat. Oprah helped me with that image. By publicly being so unhappy with her own weight, she influenced me to believe that weight is an issue. Oprah is a mighty agency. She is rich and powerful with or without a weight problem, and even her power and her millions could not make her feel ok about herself. If that is the case, what chance do I have? I can't afford a dietitian and a personal trainer. My doctor refuses to discuss weight loss surgery with me, so I can't even resort to Star Jones' cure. (Star, by the way, was much more attractive when she had a little meat on her bones and didn't look so angry all the time.)

Oprah's announcement this week is liable to set the American multi-million dollar weight-loss industry on its ear.

Oprah's announcement has set me thinking. I think I can no longer feel sorry for myself or make excuses about my weight. What I can do is live a healthier lifestyle. "Healthy" to include appropriate food choices and physical exercise. I'm tired of not liking myself.