Tuesday, August 9, 2011

StandOff

My neighbor's cat
Sits on the fence
Watching my little brown dog.

My little brown dog
Sits on the porch
Watching the neighbor's cat.

The cat waits.
The dog waits.
Hypervigilant,
Each watching for the other to weaken
And make the move that would justify
Attack.

The air is soft and lush
Blackberry brambles camouflage the cat
My little dog sits so still,
She scarcely breathes.
They wait.

Stand off.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I get scared

When I contemplate how old I am, and how old my parents were at their deaths, I find myself frightened. Will I develop Alzheimer's? Will my heart give out? I am not ready to go, and I am afraid of dying. Or will medical science keep me alive long past any possible usefulness? Will I end up alone in a nursing home? Will I be alone?

My friend's father passed away about a week ago. Thinking about his death and attending his funeral, have caused me to think about my own mortality.

I remember figuring out hold I would be when the new millenium happened. I remember thinking I would be so old that nothing would matter to me anymore.

Being alone is awful. There are days when I never speak to another person. My whole social interaction is restricted to Dr Phil and my best friends on The Talk. I never wanted to live alone. I never had a great urge to get away from home and living alone. I still don't like it. It wasn't so bad when I was working. My daughter and son don't understand how difficult this is. They are young and busy with their families. To them, days alone may sound wonderful. The reality is much different.

I know I'm in a downward spiral. Wish I knew how to stop it.