Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I get scared

When I contemplate how old I am, and how old my parents were at their deaths, I find myself frightened. Will I develop Alzheimer's? Will my heart give out? I am not ready to go, and I am afraid of dying. Or will medical science keep me alive long past any possible usefulness? Will I end up alone in a nursing home? Will I be alone?

My friend's father passed away about a week ago. Thinking about his death and attending his funeral, have caused me to think about my own mortality.

I remember figuring out hold I would be when the new millenium happened. I remember thinking I would be so old that nothing would matter to me anymore.

Being alone is awful. There are days when I never speak to another person. My whole social interaction is restricted to Dr Phil and my best friends on The Talk. I never wanted to live alone. I never had a great urge to get away from home and living alone. I still don't like it. It wasn't so bad when I was working. My daughter and son don't understand how difficult this is. They are young and busy with their families. To them, days alone may sound wonderful. The reality is much different.

I know I'm in a downward spiral. Wish I knew how to stop it.


blueladie said...

My mom died when she was 32 in childbirth. My grandmother died of Leukemia when she was 62. I have outlived both their ages. There have been many times when I faced death. I would contemplate making a list of things that would either solve your dilemas or ease them somewhat. Perhaps a roomate? (to ease financial and physical problems). No answer will be perfect. Sending my love and prayers. Cathryn

Iris said...

Sherry, Even though I live with my DH I am still lonely often. He comes home from work, eats dinner and falls asleep in front of the TV, wakes up when I go to bed and then stays up half the night. We spend very little time together and have very few interests in common. Yes it is a lonely life. My 2 sisters have long outlived both of our parents. Life is full of roadblocks and we just need to take one day at a time. It is not our choice of when we die it is up to God. Take heart my friend you have so much to be thankful for and first and foremost is Jack and your other Grandchildren.